Lately, I have been coming to terms with a lot of feelings I didn’t know I had.
Coming into my senior year, I feel an odd mix of excitement–I have spent three years to get where I am–and sadness, a kind of preemptive grief. This is it; I am going to graduate after this year. The thought of leaving my school, and this job, makes me feel a little lost. What if I’m not done with this experience? I’m afraid that I won’t be able to move on from this time in my life, but the school, campus living, my friends, will. Will I find other things to do that are this meaningful? Will I have the willpower or the ability to spend my life on noble things?
Most of the time, I doubt the value of the things I’m doing. Let’s face it, I am a privileged white kid, getting an education that will give me possibilities other people will never have, and to what end? While I love many of my classes, I’m not sure if being educated is meaningful in its own right. I have all this debt that will force me to revolve my life around the acquisition of money–I can’t just decide to go travel, or live off of a very small salary. Is it worth it?
Worst of all, part of me does not feel it is meaningful to just to be me; a 20 year old who likes to have philosophical conversations and to partake of all things whimsical or weird. Part of me feels that this 20 year old persona is not really me; “Tyler the RA” is me. Unlike almost everything I do, I absolutely feel that watching out for the well-being of 30 young adults is meaningful. I never regret time spent as an RA.“Tyler the RA” is the person I have decided I want to be; a public persona, the person who does everything with premeditation, who has trained herself how to react to every social situation so that she can be most helpful to those around her. That person is valuable to the world. In a real sense, I feel that I am losing myself when I lose this job.
I have been anticipating a great void entering my life after I graduate, and I have started to resent this job because of it. I have given so much of myself to this job–how could it let me go careening off into the emptiness? …Of course, this is all in my head. If I’m reasonable, I know that I need to keep growing and changing too, and the people around me are not simply throwing me away. They genuinely love me.
As Mary Oliver says, I have to be “determined to save the only life [I] can save.” I need to trust that I will find ways to live a meaningful life. Perhaps I’ll realize that it is meaningful to simply live and enjoy living. Or perhaps, I simply need to decide that when I graduate, I will find a way to serve the world in ways that are just as interesting, just as powerful, as the ways I am helping out now. I have to believe that any love lost out of my life will make space for it to re-enter my life in a new form. Most of all, I need to stop thinking of myself as expendable, and I’ll realize that no one else around me sees me that way.
No one ever said self care was easy. But, at times, it is the most important part of the job